Dana Anderson, MFT, Author "Myself Help"

My inner cleaner and gardener have arrived.  I’m itching to get to all of it.  And yet, I was told by my doctor not to lift more than five pounds.  What?!  I think my purse weighs ten pounds!  Last week I didn’t blog.  I was feeling overwhelmed by tasks, having been out of town for a few days.  (Note to self, try to avoid returning home and working on a Monday—just messy!)  I had a brief battle with shame over skipping a week of blogging and decided to practice what I preach.  A little get over it mixed with just do it.  I believe we often waste more time and mental energy in the guilt and shame realm than is worth it.  I have a few benign examples:  When I was younger, emptying the dishwasher seemed major until I timed it.  Five minutes.  That’s all it takes yet the time I put into thinking ‘shoulds’ about it?  I had a friend who smoked a few cigarettes a week yet the rumination—a few hours.  I told her, “The cigarettes aren’t going to kill you—the thoughts are.”

In my practice I often administer a prescription, “Take one day out of your month as a pajama day.  Relax.  Do nothing.  Eliminate the shoulds, woulds, and coulds.”  This is so difficult for us.  In my book, I talk about the Mid-West Farm Worker’s union—I made this up.  I’ve seen many clients, and others, with this very challenging ethic belief system.  This, the MWFW, is all too familiar.  The one that says you can’t sit still, you must produce, you must do.  I was a card-carrying member of the MWFW union.  Now, my dues are long past due.  There was a time when I couldn’t relax.  When I watched television, I had to be dusting, ironing (fat chance), or organizing something.  Anything that would justify the fact that I was doing something mindless.  I would do something productive so I could allow myself do something mindless.  A little crazy.

This belief (the busy hard worker) can be damaging and prolific.  Workaholics-ism is considered to be the most damaging for families because it’s so difficult to tackle. After all, it’s work.  This is seductive to the grief stricken.  It is why many latent cases of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder begin with a trauma.  The easiest way to avoid (and soothe) horrible pain or shame is to do, to do, to do, to do, to do.  I’m reminded of Glinda the Good Witch’s melodic ‘to do’s’ and those funny little munchkins singing and dancing about their productivity.

One of my assessment questions for many who fall into this group (the MidWestern FarmWorkers Union probably exists!) is, “do you like to take baths?”  This reveals a person’s capacity to relax.  You’d be surprised, people, who don’t even know they have an issue with relaxing, can’t hide from the bath question.  I remember, in my very distant past, taking a bath and thinking, ‘What the heck am I going to do in here for the next ten minutes?’  It was sheer torture.  I actually bought a hot tub to ‘cure’ myself of this issue—it worked!  For the mourning or griever, this could be a triple whammy.  We are a part of the union, grieving, and could have Post Traumatic stress.

And, I forgot about the part where we might be a woman.  Women are biologically engineered and socialized ‘to do.’  One could argue that men are also, after all, they define themselves by what they do,  “Hi, I’m Bob, I do this.”

“Hi, I’m Dennis, I am this.”

And the biggy, “Hi, I’m John, I have this.”

We women do the opposite.  We silently do and don’t ask for credit.  In fact, we dummy down to make other’s comfortable.  This is deeply ingrained in the women’s constitution.  And these are generalizations, of course!  Ultimately, I believe who we are, is not defined by what we do, or what we have.

After having two weeks of laying around recuperating from surgery, I am reasonably restless.  And there is tons to do.  The balance is to live moderately.  Don’t long for the day when there is nothing to do, just take the day and do nothing.  Don’t stay busy doing, doing, doing in order to avoid feelings.  Take the time to feel.  Just do it and you can get over it.

Many blessings.

The following is a cut and paste chapter from my book.  I believe this is a lesson some of us are encountering on a regular basis, including myself!

Boundary (n): something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.

Naturally, healthy boundaries are critical to proper psychotherapy.  I believe most Americans don’t realize what healthy boundaries are.  We tend to repeat what we know.  And the American culture encourages a lack of boundaries.  Not sure about the other countries.  (Maybe this has something to do with our origination?)  I believe talk shows, reality shows, all began here.  I could go on and on.  I have a ‘boundary lecturette’ I explain to my clients—most of my clients—because it is a huge part of the work.  I believe it should be taught in high school.  But there are a lot of things I believe should be and shouldn’t be taught in high school.  As you’ve probably guessed, I have some soapboxes.

So what about boundaries?  I believe boundaries are majorly critical to living a good life.   As a therapist, boundaries are more challenging—generally speaking.  Well, I guess this     can be said for accountants, doctors, lawyers, ministers, okay, so maybe it’s true for all professions.  Confidentiality and privacy.  These are important matters.  And probably most challenging with family.  This is where we are most conflicted and boundaries can easily become blurred.

In my previous Napa small town practice, boundaries were ironically fairly easy.  Ironically, because it was a small town.  I couldn’t go anywhere without running into clients.  Yet, I was busy.  I didn’t have openings, so things were easily cut and dried.  Now I say that, yet there were a few instances where a friend, or fellow professional, wanted me to see their child.  Or spouse.  This was tricky.  Initially, I would put them off.  Make recommendations.  They were relentless.  Eventually, this line was crossed.

There were the necessary pre-therapy discussions, for example, “Okay, so you know if I see your teen, and it is clear that this is not her problem, but yours, we will have to d      eal with this.”

And the response was usually, “Of course.”

I would only cross this line with people I believed were able to handle and process at this level—the level that pointed the finger in their direction.

And I was hardly ever able to enjoy the lovely touristy town that I lived in—because of the client issue.  It would not be appropriate for my clients to see me wine tasting, at least I thought so at the time.  I, now, see this as a shame issue–more ACoA baggage!  And my authenticity piece.  I dashed through the farmer’s market.  It was just too awkward running into people.  There is the recommended discussion (with clients) about when we see each other out of the room, ‘I won’t acknowledge you unless you acknowledge me.’  It’s part of Informed Consent—where the psychotherapist explains the process of therapy.  And I was often concerned with my appearance, when I just wanted to be in sweats and pick up milk yet I knew the cashier….  It was just easier to stay home.

In this new Nevada practice, new practices emerged.  For instance, most therapists have hours they stick to, 9:00 to 3:00.  In the beginning, I had no set hours.  As this was wreaking havoc on my body, schedule, and consequently, my family, I created a schedule and tried to stick with it.  Then, I made the mistake of moving my office landline to my cell phone.  Trying to save a little money.  Well, all of my clients could see I have an iPhone so the questions about email starting coming.  And the texts just showed up.  Especially with my teens.  To me, this is not only a pain but has the potential for major problems–texts are easily lost in the shuffle.  I shudder to think of a teen texting their therapist that they are feeling ‘lost, hopeless’—suicidal.

I would guess by the tenth session, with every client, we’ve had a talk about boundaries.  Boundaries are the trickiest with family.  The way I deliver my boundary lecturette for my clients is to hold my arms out wide.  I explain on this end (the right hand) is Enmeshment.  Then I take my hands and weave my fingers between each other.  This is where there are no boundaries.  Worst case scenario, sexual abuse, less worse case scenario,

“I tell my sister something I believe is confidential and it quickly spreads through the family like wildfire.”

On the left side (again, arms open wide) is called Rigid boundaries.  This is when someone says,

“My mom doesn’t talk to her brother, not for years, but nobody knows what happened, we don’t talk about it.”

You can see the diametrical difference:  one, too much openness, the other, no openness.  Even though that has worked for me as a good and educational method, each time I administer it, it strikes me hard, whether my clients see it or not.  Again, and again!  Boundaries are hugely important.  And neither (enmeshed or rigid) has direct healthy communication.  We, therapists, strive for the healthy middle, where my head and heart are.  And, although we acknowledge cultural differences, it is still the goal to be in the middle.

Yes, in this new practice, I’m less rigid than I was previously.  Obviously I have more time, and I’m less stressed.  Although my contract is the same–24 hour cancellation policy.  In California, I couldn’t reschedule.  I was booked solid.  My private, internal policy has remained the same, if you cancel and I’m stuck (meaning, there’s someone right after) then I would bill.  And if someone was ill, I don’t bill.  If someone continually cancels at a prime time, they lose their spot.

Just good business and good therapy.